Lonely

It's amazing how lonely one can feel even when surrounded by tons of people I feel lonely, almost empty inside at times. I guess I'm starting to realize the hardest part of being separated. It's the loneliness you feel by not having the touch of that person. After being with the same woman for 7 1/2 years, i guess you grow so accustom to their touch that being away from her is very hard. It's something that can't be filled by friends or family no matter how hard they try. Its the softness of her skin or the way it feels to hug and be hugged by her. That is by biggest problem right now is missing that touch. We always had great difficulties in our marriage and had way to many rough patches... It always seemed like we could never catch a break and even when it was close something would fall through, but through all of that we always had each other. Now going through the most difficult time in our lives and marriage it's very odd that even though we try to be there for each other it's not the same. There is a lack of trust between the both of us that has never existed before. I want us to be able to work through all of this and for this to be one of those experiences that makes us stronger together. I understand some of her lack of trust in me as I have said some very hurtful things to her during the past four months and would take it all back if I could. Because it is never right for someone to treat the person they love the way i treated her no matter what the cause. I'm tired of being lonely, tired of spending every night longing for her touch, tired of feeling away that everyone says they understand but truly don't.... I'm also tired of being hurtful and being hurt.... I'm just really tired and lonely......

Drama

I'm so tired of drama in my life. Just when I think things are beginning to turn the right way someone else has to come along and say things that totally through me off my center. I was very excited that my wife and I had agreed to go to counseling and try and see if we could make our marriage work. I am very realistic in that I know that our marriage might not me able to be saved but with us each making an effort I'm confident over time that we can become the friends that we need to be for our children, and possibly as small as that possibility may be continue again with our marriage. But that fleeting moment of joy was taken away from me, and now knowing how some people truly feel is very disturbing to me because these people are ones I would seek advice and knowledge from. Now I'm left to wonder what their individual agendas are! You can't tell someone your proud of the fact that they are working to become a better person and trying to save their marriage in one breath, and then come back and say you not sure you want it to work because you feel like before you had lost that person for the years they were married. But I will not allow anyone to deter me from becoming the man I need to become for myself, my children, and possibly my wife should counseling work out. Even if it doesn't I still need to be that man for her because we are forever joined by our children and me becoming a better man and pulling my weight in everything I do is very important towards my goal of "Manhood".

My Marriage

Yesterday my wife agreed to start counseling with me to see if our marriage can be saved. I am filled with optimism about this because I do feel our marriage can be saved and rejoice in that fact. I do realize it will require a great deal of work and effort from both of us as we both have changes to make in our lives with regards to how we can help each other and work with each other. I believe that our faith in God and that by living in God's words we will be able to overcome our issues and make this past few months nothing but a distant memory. I definitely know that things may not work out between us, but I am one who believes in the power of positive thinking. I have a lot of changing to do in my life as I need to become the leader in my family. I need to become a MAN, I need to show my children the way that they should live their lives and the only way for to do that is by living the way God intended me to live.

Ephesians 4:2


"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

Unsure

I'm scared to death of my feelings the past few days, my anniversary to my wife of 7 years is tomorrow. For those that read my blog know that we have been separated since august and my life without her just doesn't feel right.  Today I dropped the boys off to her at our usual meeting spot and you could tell just by looking at her that she's hurting right now. I don't know if the hurt is because of me or about me, but my general feeling is that its because of me. I haven't treated her like a man should treat his wife, best-friend, and lover. That's one of the many reasons we're separated, but I do know that we both had our faults in our marriage. The other thing I know for sure is I still love her unconditionally, I was never really sure what unconditional love was till I was blessed with a beautiful daughter, but the love I have for my wife is something totally different. Even after the arguments we've had, the mistakes we've made and hurtful words we've said to each other, I still love her with a passion that I've never felt in my life. But I know she no longer feels the same way about me, so I'm left to try and figure out what to do with my life and how to be the best man I can be for myself and my children. Please pray for me and my family that God may shine his light on our path and lead us to do his will.

Until next time......

Lost

I have this great feeling of loss right now because I'm not exactly sure what direction my life is headed in and while the days still go by the hurt doesn't get any easier. I had an amazing weekend with my kids as I had the boys this weekend. It was also a great weekend due to my oldest daughter being baptized at our church. I'm very proud of her and my boys. The way me and my wife have raised them I couldn't be prouder of them. The hardest part for me is Sunday evenings when i have to drop off the boys to there mother. I still love her with every beat of my heart, and its very hard knowing that the love we had that brought us two wonderful children could be gone. I keep asking for counseling as i do truly believe our problems can be worked out and most of them just had to do with a lack of communication of both of our faults. Our anniversary is coming up in a few days and not sure exactly what to do... part of me wants to take her to dinner and just enjoy each other but the other part is scared of mixing up signals and confusing myself... so once again I'm really unsure of what to do... Thus once again I'm lost.....