Randomness

So I'm really not sure what to do with my life at this point anymore! I'm busting my @$$ trying to get ahead and really trying to focus on the things that matter most to me in life, (i.e. My Kids, Church, and My Bills). So to make all of this work, I'm now working two jobs while still trying to be the man that my children need me to be. It's just extremely hard doing it all and then the second I get any time to stop and breath all I can think about is exactly how alone I am. I miss having someone to come home and share my day with and find out about theirs.  Talking to each other about how in the end it's all worth the stress and the headaches cause we had each other. I miss having that person just for the emotional support and the stress relief. It's just hard to try and look for a relationship when the one relationship you want wants nothing to do with you becasue of the hurt that youve caused her. We have both become totally different people over the past few months and most of the time can't have a conversation without one of us trying to poke the other one into a fight. I do still love her and feel that i always will. I just also feel like the pain wouldn't hurt as bad if i had someone who was there for me and cared for me. Not in the way of a family member but as a true friend and companion.

Random Thoughts

Found this is a post by blogger Susannah Breslin. In it she talks about her past history with suicide and I found it very comforting knowing that even 5 years later she still struggles with the issue. This is the paragraph from her blog that struck home with me the most.

"Today, I no longer want to die. In fact, I want very, very much to live. But the fact that at one point you wanted to take your own life -- well, it lingers in a way that I find to be, frankly, haunting. It's always there. The fact that you went that far. That you were there. Like a shadowy figure in a noir novel that you can't quite shake. And if it's there, who says it won't catch up to you again one day? So, you walk a little faster. And you try a little harder. And sometimes, when you wake up in the morning, you look at the ceiling and think, Thank god, I made it through the night."

Here is the full post from which the last paragraph of the article was taken. Susannah Breslin

The Past

The past is just that the PAST!!! I'm thankful and blessed to have those who have stuck with me through all the previous chapters in the book that is my life. But I truly look forward to writing new chapters with those that truly care about me and my family! God has blessed me and I am thankful. My life has taken a few unfortunate turns and I've lost some along the way, but I will never let go of what has been left with me and the responsibilities of the three gifts God has granted me!