Randomness

So I'm really not sure what to do with my life at this point anymore! I'm busting my @$$ trying to get ahead and really trying to focus on the things that matter most to me in life, (i.e. My Kids, Church, and My Bills). So to make all of this work, I'm now working two jobs while still trying to be the man that my children need me to be. It's just extremely hard doing it all and then the second I get any time to stop and breath all I can think about is exactly how alone I am. I miss having someone to come home and share my day with and find out about theirs.  Talking to each other about how in the end it's all worth the stress and the headaches cause we had each other. I miss having that person just for the emotional support and the stress relief. It's just hard to try and look for a relationship when the one relationship you want wants nothing to do with you becasue of the hurt that youve caused her. We have both become totally different people over the past few months and most of the time can't have a conversation without one of us trying to poke the other one into a fight. I do still love her and feel that i always will. I just also feel like the pain wouldn't hurt as bad if i had someone who was there for me and cared for me. Not in the way of a family member but as a true friend and companion.

Random Thoughts

Found this is a post by blogger Susannah Breslin. In it she talks about her past history with suicide and I found it very comforting knowing that even 5 years later she still struggles with the issue. This is the paragraph from her blog that struck home with me the most.

"Today, I no longer want to die. In fact, I want very, very much to live. But the fact that at one point you wanted to take your own life -- well, it lingers in a way that I find to be, frankly, haunting. It's always there. The fact that you went that far. That you were there. Like a shadowy figure in a noir novel that you can't quite shake. And if it's there, who says it won't catch up to you again one day? So, you walk a little faster. And you try a little harder. And sometimes, when you wake up in the morning, you look at the ceiling and think, Thank god, I made it through the night."

Here is the full post from which the last paragraph of the article was taken. Susannah Breslin

The Past

The past is just that the PAST!!! I'm thankful and blessed to have those who have stuck with me through all the previous chapters in the book that is my life. But I truly look forward to writing new chapters with those that truly care about me and my family! God has blessed me and I am thankful. My life has taken a few unfortunate turns and I've lost some along the way, but I will never let go of what has been left with me and the responsibilities of the three gifts God has granted me!

It's been awhile!!!

So I know it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted, but with the holidays and everything else what can I say but sorry. So i'm moving on Monday to my new place, it's a nice 3 bedroom/2bath place. It will be good for me and my daughter. My spouse has decided enough is enough and decided to get an attorney which has been very rough for me to deal with because I guess through all of this I thought we would overcome it all. So it looks like i'll be joining the what 50% of the population that gets divorced, which is very sad because it's become something that is way to easy to do. Instead of working on problems it just seems like everyone instantly wants a divorce without any thoughts of the kids involved. On a positive note i'm almost done Christmas shopping and looking forward towards the holidays. New Years Eve should be alot of fun as my daughter and I are flying up to Dallas to spend some time with family and ring in the new year in style. We've each got our own set of plans for that evening but if anyone from Dallas reads this let me know some fun places to go out. On New Years Day we're having a party for my cousin who's gratuating with her Master's from TCU. Can't say enough about how proud I am of her.

Be back later
J

Lonely

It's amazing how lonely one can feel even when surrounded by tons of people I feel lonely, almost empty inside at times. I guess I'm starting to realize the hardest part of being separated. It's the loneliness you feel by not having the touch of that person. After being with the same woman for 7 1/2 years, i guess you grow so accustom to their touch that being away from her is very hard. It's something that can't be filled by friends or family no matter how hard they try. Its the softness of her skin or the way it feels to hug and be hugged by her. That is by biggest problem right now is missing that touch. We always had great difficulties in our marriage and had way to many rough patches... It always seemed like we could never catch a break and even when it was close something would fall through, but through all of that we always had each other. Now going through the most difficult time in our lives and marriage it's very odd that even though we try to be there for each other it's not the same. There is a lack of trust between the both of us that has never existed before. I want us to be able to work through all of this and for this to be one of those experiences that makes us stronger together. I understand some of her lack of trust in me as I have said some very hurtful things to her during the past four months and would take it all back if I could. Because it is never right for someone to treat the person they love the way i treated her no matter what the cause. I'm tired of being lonely, tired of spending every night longing for her touch, tired of feeling away that everyone says they understand but truly don't.... I'm also tired of being hurtful and being hurt.... I'm just really tired and lonely......

Drama

I'm so tired of drama in my life. Just when I think things are beginning to turn the right way someone else has to come along and say things that totally through me off my center. I was very excited that my wife and I had agreed to go to counseling and try and see if we could make our marriage work. I am very realistic in that I know that our marriage might not me able to be saved but with us each making an effort I'm confident over time that we can become the friends that we need to be for our children, and possibly as small as that possibility may be continue again with our marriage. But that fleeting moment of joy was taken away from me, and now knowing how some people truly feel is very disturbing to me because these people are ones I would seek advice and knowledge from. Now I'm left to wonder what their individual agendas are! You can't tell someone your proud of the fact that they are working to become a better person and trying to save their marriage in one breath, and then come back and say you not sure you want it to work because you feel like before you had lost that person for the years they were married. But I will not allow anyone to deter me from becoming the man I need to become for myself, my children, and possibly my wife should counseling work out. Even if it doesn't I still need to be that man for her because we are forever joined by our children and me becoming a better man and pulling my weight in everything I do is very important towards my goal of "Manhood".

My Marriage

Yesterday my wife agreed to start counseling with me to see if our marriage can be saved. I am filled with optimism about this because I do feel our marriage can be saved and rejoice in that fact. I do realize it will require a great deal of work and effort from both of us as we both have changes to make in our lives with regards to how we can help each other and work with each other. I believe that our faith in God and that by living in God's words we will be able to overcome our issues and make this past few months nothing but a distant memory. I definitely know that things may not work out between us, but I am one who believes in the power of positive thinking. I have a lot of changing to do in my life as I need to become the leader in my family. I need to become a MAN, I need to show my children the way that they should live their lives and the only way for to do that is by living the way God intended me to live.

Ephesians 4:2


"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."